Q: I feel like I have a child for a partner.  Can he ever grow up?

A: Probably he can.  And there are probably some things you can do to accelerate that process.  There are people who have major personality disorders and other mental health issues.  However, all couples slip into what I call a Parent/Child pattern where one partner feels more like the parent managing a child and the other feels like he (or she) is being controlled or judged by a parent.  Since this seems to happen to all couples, the couples that have the most satisfying relationships are those that become aware of this dynamic and consciously begin to change it.  The first thing for you to do is look at how you communicate verbally as well as non-verbally to your partner.  Are you speaking like the one who knows better or is the authority figure?  If you are doing this, know that you are evoking in your partner more of the child.  Instead, try to speak from a place of vulnerability.  For example, don’t say- “I can’t believe you just plopped yourself down and began watching TV.  What am I your servant?”  Instead, you can say “I know you want to watch TV, but you know what would make me feel less overwhelmed and very grateful- if you could help me out here.  That would be just terrific.”  With the second way of communicating, you have probably not evoked the “child” but rather the part of him that wants to be helpful and appreciated.

Of course, your partner needs to be aware of how he slips into the child as well. (Either gender can slip into either role, even though within one relationship, one partner will more often slip into the parent role and the other will more often slip into the child role).  He needs to consciously pull himself out of that role and see you as a person who needs him rather than someone who will boss him around.  Be vigilant about this.   It is easy to slip back onto old, familiar roles that do not work.

Most couples have many differences.  Just like the North and South poles of a magnet, opposites attract at least to a degree.   It is not necessary to be interested in what your partner is interested in, but it is necessary to be interested in your partner’s enthusiasm for activities or topics that you may have little or no enthusiasm yourself for.  Tune into him and his energy.  If he likes fishing and you would not be caught anywhere in a boat, show your excitement about his excitement about catching that big fish.  That is what is important.  With this attitude, you have now found your first similarity- you both celebrate his interest in fishing!  Of course, he needs to be tuned into what sparks you as well.

Of course, some differences are more challenging and compromise is necessary.  If you are an extreme extrovert and your partner is an extreme introvert, put the energy into finding a healthy compromise.  Maybe, you spend a quiet evening just with your spouse and turn down the big party invitation one weekend.  He reciprocates by going to the next big party and endures his anxiety with as much grace as possible.  Since you did not marry your clone, negotiation, compromise and most of all an acceptance of differences is a winning combination to make a partnership work.

A: Unless your partner has grieved the relationship and emotionally moved on, it is very possible to feel close again.  Couples get locked into emotional dances that often distance the couple from each other.  I would suggest that you get curious about your partner and ask some open ended questions.  Don’t think you know your partner very well.  In fact, if you don’t feel close, you probably have a lot to learn about your partner.  If your partner refuses to talk, don’t just give up.  He may be very awkward with becoming vulnerable.  Acknowledge to him how difficult it is.  If he is so shut down that he will not participate no matter how patient and kind you are, a good “couples” therapist may be in order so that his fears can be addressed.  If he has been withdrawn for a while, ask him what he is protecting himself from.  The first step is to create a safe environment where both partners can risk opening up again.  Don’t take his withdrawal personally, no matter how hard that may be.  His self-protective mechanism is just that- self protective, not meant to make you miserable, even though that may be exactly how you feel.

Also, look within yourself and see what you are protecting yourself from by keeping the relationship as distant as it is.  Healthy relationships are not for the feint of heart.  They require courage and you need to make your relationship an interpersonal adventure.  Ask yourself- am I holding back physically?  Am I willing to stretch a little and meet his physical needs if that has not happened in a while?  How can I open up more to my partner?

Q: I feel like no matter what I do for my spouse, it is not enough.  Is there any way to please my partner?

A: Almost always, yes.  You may be doing a lot for your partner, but it is not the one or two things you need to do that will highly impact your partner.  Typically, people give in the areas that they are strong.  The key is to discover what it is that will truly raise the emotional energy of your partner.  The catch is that it often takes what I call, “Giving from your weakest link’” that gets the job done.  In other words, in order to be what I call a high impact partner, you need to give in areas that are less developed in yourself.  For example, if you are great at providing, fixing, giving advice and even cooking and washing the dishes, but what your partner really needs is for you to be interested in what she is feeling, you may be relatively inept in the world of feelings.  The good news is that you never have to become an expert in your weak areas.  Getting a little better can go along way in having a huge positive effect on your partner .

I expand in this concept as well as others in my book. “The Long, Hot Marriage,” a book highly praised by some of the most well known relationship and sex therapy experts.  Check it out at www.thelonghotmarriage.com.   

Q: My partner used to desire me sexually, but lately he treats me like a roommate and has said he has lost his sexual desire.  Is there anything that can be done about that or is our sex life over?

A:  Since this question is being asked regarding a male losing his desire, I will first answer it from this gender perspective.  Then I will answer it if it is a woman who lost her desire.

  The first thing that needs to be done here is to get a good assessment of the possible factors that are contributing to his lowered libido.  Often a sex therapist or doctor is helpful in these situations.  Physical and medical reasons cannot be overlooked.  For example, many medications such as antidepressants and medication for high blood pressure have sexual side effects.  If the lowered libido coincides with the time he has started medications, there is a good possibility that this is the problem.  Other physical factors include chronic illness and lowered testosterone.  Testosterone levels for men can be checked by a simple blood test.   There can be psychological reasons such as situational stress, life transitions that raise anxiety, and even sexual performance fears that lead to sex avoidance.  Lastly, there are relationship factors such as built up resentment, ongoing power struggles, something in the current relationship evoking some past trauma and lack of trust.  It is not uncommon for there to be multiple factors contributing to lowered sexual desire.  There is treatment for all of these factors and often other aspects of the relationship can improve as well by working with the underlying causes of the sexual problem.

     If it is the woman who is experiencing lowered libido, it could be any of the factors above.  Women are typically more affected by hormonal fluctuations and hormone level must be paid attention to in the treatment of lowered libido in females.  However, the most common reason for lower sexual desire in women is a lack of emotional connection with one’s partner.  Educating the male in how to share as well as listen to feelings (as uncomfortable as that may be for many men) is often a pre-requisite for a reemergence of healthy desire in the female partner.  Emotional nourishment is necessary for many women to desire their mate.

Q: We fight all the time; can we ever learn to stop fighting?

A:  When couples are constantly fighting, it is because both people are continually reacting in ways that push the raw buttons of the partner and for sure-there is no listening going on.  Either partner can begin to interrupt that behavior by

1)       Noticing what makes him react as well as his partner.

2)       Developing the emotional muscle it takes to listen to one’s partner even if the first impulse is to do a fight or fight behavior.

When partners listen to each other, there is no need for fighting.  Fighting can be thought of as an inept way of trying to be heard or regaining some sense of power.  Listening takes care of both of these needs.  When you are experiencing your partner listening, you would never raise your voice since you are already being heard.  Also, being heard will naturally and healthily give you a sense of power; the power of feeling that you matter.

Q: If I am not in love with my partner, is it possible to ever get those feelings back?

A: If you have ever been in love with your partner, you can be in love again.  The problem is that as relationships continue, pain emerges such as hurt, disappointment, fear and anger.  Often the couple starts to emotionally disconnect at this point because we have few if any good role models in how to stay connected even when feeling these unpleasant feelings towards our partner.  As you learn how to develop the “emotional muscle to reconnect with your partner, even through pain, your “in love” feelings may reemerge just as spontaneously as they left.  It is difficult to imagine this when you are basing your future on your history.  With new patterns of connecting, it is possible to fall back in love.

A little personal story:

I turned 50 last year and decided to not procrastinate and get my colon tested. (A little public service announcement- if you are 50 or over and have not had a colonoscopy, please do it. In my case, they found a precancerous polyp and removed it. This is very common and if it is found in time, you will not get colon cancer). Back to my story- They got me all ready for the procedure, hooked me up to an IV and set up the blood pressure and heart monitor and I had to wait until it was my turn. Even though intellectually I knew this was going to be a painless procedure, I must have been nervous because I could hear my heart beating though their monitoring system and it was beating fast. I tried doing all my ticks to relax and the best I could do is slow down my heartbeat for a few seconds, but then it would go right back up. After about 40 minutes of waiting and hearing my fast heartbeat, I said to myself- “You know, let’s face it- I am just scared. For the first time since they hooked me up, I stopped trying to change how I felt and just let me experience my fear. An interesting thing happened, my heartbeat SIGNIFICANTLY slowed down. By the time they came in to drug me for the procedure, my heart rate was about at the resting rate.

From my story, you could see how experiencing your feelings no matter how unpleasant can decrease your stress. As soon as I stopped trying to control how I felt, I was more in control. Allow yourself to have and experience your feelings and sensations.

Relationships

As I write about a lot in my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” most if not all relationship problems come from being disconnected. When you flip on a light switch, you are completing an electric current which then lights up the room. Likewise, when you complete an energy current with your partner, you light up the relationship. The problem is, we often break contact with our partner when either one of us feels negative feelings. We usually do some sort of fight or flight reaction and the reason we do that is because we do not like how we are feeling and we try to change how we are feeling.

If you were to practice feeling your feelings more, you would decrease your reactivity. Developing this habit leads to more effective listening and ultimately to both people feeling closer to each other.

Increased Success in Other Areas of Life

When you put your attention on your body and what you are feeling as opposed to your active mind or superficial self protective reactions, you become more open- more open to people and life in general. People pick up on this non-defensive “vibe” and you become instantly more attractive. Who knows what this increased attractiveness can lead to- a promotion, a new opportunity or possibly other doors opening up in some seemingly miraculous way.
You may think I am overstating these benefits, but experiment yourself. For this moment, give up trying to control or change how you feel and instead feel how you feel. LET YOURSELF JUST BE AND FEEL AS YOU ARE. Notice if you feel better or worse from this conscious action. Experiment with your partner and see how he or she responds to you being more open and vulnerable and less defensive. Notice any other changes that happen in your life. Feel free to e-mail me your feedback on this article or on any life improvements from applying what this article is suggesting. Take good care.

Question 1: 

Part 1: What do you think is the biggest challenge for your partner to understand you better?  Part 2:  What do you think you can do better or differently  so that it would be easier for your partner to understand you better.

Question 2: For the (courageous)  women- What is the single most important thing a male partner could do to enhance your sexual experience? ( The answer to this question may or may not be directly about sex).

For the (courageous) men- What is the single most important thing a female partner could do to enhance your sexual experience?  (The answer to this question may or may not be directly about sex; even though it probably is)

Question 3:

If you have been to marriage therapy before- what do you believe was missing or could have been better to be more helpful?

Question 4:

If I were to write a sequel to my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” (see www.thelonghotmarriage.com- shameless plug), what would you want the title of it to be so that it would be of most help to your relationship and other couples you know?

     Passionate marriages do not just happen.  They have to be created.  Our forefathers and fore mothers did not teach us how to have alive, passionate relationships with our spouses.  This is new territory and we have to be trailblazers creating new patterns in relationships that set the stage for greater desire and increased connection.   Here are seven bullet statements of what it takes to create such a relationship.

1)      You need to see your partner in the best possible light.  He or she even at their worst moments are not intentionally trying to hurt you, but rather trying to protect him or herself from some real or imagined threat.

2)      Learn how to deal with pain as a team.  Develop the muscle to listen to your partner on a consistent basis even if what she says evokes discomfort in you.

3)      Create a lifestyle that allows for a minimum of 10 minutes  a day of intimate time, more specifically- time when you can look at each other, share FEELINGS, DESIRES, DREAMS AMD OTHER DEEP STUFF  (as opposed to facts , small talk), loving touch without the goal of intercourse  (Intercourse is absolutely fine.; it is just not part of these 10 minutes).  This 10 minute a day rule is so crucial and yet it is where most couples resist and fail and wonder why they cannot have the relationship they want with their partner.

4)      If you are a giving type person, work on your ability to receive, if you are a taking type person, work on your ability to be thoughtful and giving to your mate.  Receiving involves allowing yourself to be given love, compliments, kind words, soft touch, etc.  Giving includes asking yourself, “How can I nourish my partner?”

5)      Risk!  Do something different.  Say something different.   Think something different.  If you have never written a love poem, go write a sincerely felt, badly written love poem.  If you are not very expressive, express to your partner how much she means to you and how much you appreciate her.  If you are sexually inhibited, do something sexually that is outside your comfort zone- not necessarily too outside your comfort zone- but a little outside your comfort zone.

6)      Risk again!  And again!  You can rest in between risks.  Think about it.  When you first met your partner, everything was a risk and felt like a risk.  That was probably when libido was very high.  Why do you think having a safe and routine relationship would give you the same results as “the good old days?”  The only way to get those feelings back from the good old days is to create a more adventurous risk-taking environment which would more closely resemble those exciting early days of your relationship.

7)      Do not wait for your partner to initiate anything.  YOU need to be the courageous one.  That will unbalance the relationship and ultimately you will be pulling your partner right out of her comfort zone as well.  It takes two to tango, but it takes just one to get things going.

There is a great book written on this subject; it goes straight to the point, been highly endorsed and has helped hundreds of couples already.  It is called, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” and was written by yours truly.  Go to my website- www.toddcreager.com or www.thelonghotmarriage.com and check it out.  Better yet, buy it!  You’ll be glad you did.